Parenting and a new perspective on balance

We live and work in a culture where our work defines many of us. Vacation days go unused, parental leave is worse than in most other countries, we are connected to work 24/7 with mobile technology, and the 9-5 is no longer the norm.

I am currently in the final stages of building a house, am still less than a year into a new job, and have a 1 month old. These are, as they say, 3 of the top 5 most stressful things a person can endure during his lifetime, yet I am the least stressed I can ever remember being. Here’s why; it all comes down to perspective.

My perspective on balance changed a month ago when my daughter was born. I quickly have switched from living to work from working to live. My job, though it provides me with tremendous meaning, pales in comparison to the sense of joy, responsibility and meaning I get when I am at home with my family. Parenting as taught me to be selfish. I say no, regularly. If it is outside the scope of my job and/or it takes away from my family, it is not important enough for me to say yes to. You would think this makes me less available and “worse” at my job. However, the opposite appears to be true. I am overall happier, more focused, and better at prioritizing because my time is more precious. I no longer live for my work, which really helps me to see things more clearly, not take things too personally, and to set healthy boundaries. These all make me a better professional and a better dad. I don’t bring my stress and problems from work home the way I used to.

Before I was a parent, I lived for my work. It is what gave me my greatest meaning. Working with college students, I feel that my work matters. The growth and development of my students came before my own needs and caused me many late nights, long weeks, taking things too personally, and lack of sleep. The crazy thing is I did not seem to mind. I was driven by this sense of being a part of something bigger than myself and by playing that important role in the lives of students. I am still driven by this, but it’s different now. I have a new found drive at work. I work with some incredible students who will one day change this world and impact it in profound ways, all of which my daughter will be the beneficiary of. I get out of bed and leave my family every morning to work with these students, so that they can grow and develop into future teachers, psychologists, activists, researchers, doctors, etc. that will make this world a better place. Not only has becoming a dad taught me how to be better balanced, it has also reinvigorated my sense of purpose for working in higher education. The two things (work and home) are mutually beneficial to each other and are firing on all cylinders.

I think working parents are often accused of having a “convenient excuse” and that expectations of parents in terms of balance may be unfair in comparison to those of non-parents. I can’t definitively say that either is or is not true across the board, but I can say this: balance is as much, if not more, about the person and not about the system. You are in control of much of your own balance. Don’t believe me? Look at your calendar right now. How many of the obligations (especially outside of “normal” work hours) are necessary for the successful fulfillment of your job duties? Struggling? Try this question instead: “Will I be fired for not going to this?” I am willing to bet that you can eliminate at least an hour or two of obligations by taking that perspective. It should not take becoming a parent to see this. I should have learned this a long time ago. Being overtired and busy, because I chose to, did not make me better at my job; it made me worse. When we are healthy and balanced, we are our best selves at work.

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What could you eliminate from your schedule and what would you do for yourself with that time?

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6 thoughts on “Parenting and a new perspective on balance

  1. You hit the nail on the head here, Tim. For those without families waiting for them at home, it can be easy to mistake work for just that. Students become the “kids” and those relationships are nurtured in favor of building others. Some clock in more hours because they don’t want to return to an empty apartment or they don’t know how to find a support system beyond the grips of campus life. It’s tough. But once you find your “family,” whether that’s friends, a spouse, kids, or a dog – it certainly helps you figure out where your time is best spent and what makes you happiest.

    • Agreed. What makes me both angry and sad was that I did not see this sooner. I am thankful my wife was patient and understanding. It’s not to say I did not spend time with her, but I could have made a lot of different decisions. Not to mention, I would have been much healthier. You nail it about finding that “family” whatever it may be. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  2. Tim – great post. I think that the conversation about balance should take place much sooner in a new professional’s career, especially in our line of work. It’s something I learned the hard way and now try to practice and hand down.

  3. “It should not take becoming a parent to see this.” Absolutely. As a new professional without a partner or a family, I have recently started to stake a claim on my non-work life. When I actually started to recognize that I was putting work and volunteer commitments before my own health, happiness, and close relationships, it was obvious that a shift in perspective was necessary. Kudos to you for embracing a more holistic perspective; I’m sure that you and your family will continue to benefit greatly from it!

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